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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Karaoke
Arrested
Lips

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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
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The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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Does fuzzy logic tickle?
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The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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Is 'tired old cliché' one?
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If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
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Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
Steven Wright