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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Karaoke
Arrested
Lips

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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
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I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
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I can't stop thinking like this.
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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I had amnesia once or twice.
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
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Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
Steven Wright
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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Steven Wright
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
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Is it possible to be totally partial?
Steven Wright
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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
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I took a baby shower.
Steven Wright
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
Steven Wright