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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Arrested
Lips
Karaoke

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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
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I had amnesia once or twice.
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Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
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Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
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I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
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Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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