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I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Never
Laugh
Laughing
Attention
Friends
Making
Wanted
Whole
Always
Classroom

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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
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The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
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You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
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I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
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I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
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I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>
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