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I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Whole
Always
Classroom
Never
Laugh
Laughing
Attention
Friends
Making
Wanted

More quotes by Steven Wright

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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
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If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Steven Wright
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I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.
Steven Wright
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
Steven Wright
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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
Steven Wright
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
Steven Wright
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
Steven Wright
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
Steven Wright
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
Steven Wright
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
Steven Wright
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
Steven Wright