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I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Never
Laugh
Laughing
Attention
Friends
Making
Wanted
Whole
Always
Classroom

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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
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If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
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I washed mud off of mud.
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If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
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Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
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