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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Radio
Guy
Thought
Would
More quotes by Steven Wright
Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
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I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
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I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
Steven Wright
When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
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Does fuzzy logic tickle?
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I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
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