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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Would
Radio
Guy
Thought

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
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The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
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My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
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Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Steven Wright
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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
Steven Wright