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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Thought
Would
Radio
Guy

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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
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At one point he decided enough was enough.
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
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I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
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Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
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I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
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