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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Radio
Guy
Thought
Would

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>
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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Steven Wright
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
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I had amnesia once or twice.
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
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Is it possible to be totally partial?
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
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I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
Steven Wright