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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Thought
Would
Radio
Guy

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
Steven Wright
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Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
Steven Wright
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I paint I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
Steven Wright
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Steven Wright
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I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
Steven Wright
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
Steven Wright
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So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
Steven Wright
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The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
Steven Wright
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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
Steven Wright
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
Steven Wright
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I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
Steven Wright
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Steven Wright
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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Steven Wright
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Steven Wright
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Steven Wright
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Steven Wright
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Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
Steven Wright
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
Steven Wright