Quote

I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Baby
Consciousness
Hell
Need
Needs
Really
Thinking
Monitors
Subconscious

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
Steven Wright
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
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You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
Steven Wright
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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The sky already fell. Now what?
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Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
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I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
Steven Wright
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Steven Wright