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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Thinking
Monitors
Subconscious
Baby
Consciousness
Hell
Need
Needs
Really

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
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Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
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I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
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You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
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Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
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One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
Steven Wright