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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Thinking
Monitors
Subconscious
Baby
Consciousness
Hell
Need
Needs
Really

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
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Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
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My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.
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I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
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