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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Really
Thinking
Monitors
Subconscious
Baby
Consciousness
Hell
Need
Needs

More quotes by Steven Wright

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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
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I can't stop thinking like this.
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Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
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You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
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I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
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Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
Steven Wright