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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Thinking
Monitors
Subconscious
Baby
Consciousness
Hell
Need
Needs
Really

More quotes by Steven Wright

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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
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Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
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The sky already fell. Now what?
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
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Do you have any toy train schedules?
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Does fuzzy logic tickle?
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
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