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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
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Circus
Casual
Laid
Head
Guy
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Looks
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If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
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What do batteries run on?
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Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
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I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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Do fish get cramps after eating?
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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
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At one point he decided enough was enough.
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Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
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I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
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I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
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