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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Like
Circus
Casual
Laid
Head
Guy
Back
Look
Looks

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Is it possible to be totally partial?
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
Steven Wright
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When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
Steven Wright
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Steven Wright
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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
Steven Wright
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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
Steven Wright