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I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Appears
Emotions
Emotion
Everyone

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
Steven Wright
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
Steven Wright
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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Steven Wright
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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Steven Wright
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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
Steven Wright
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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Steven Wright
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Steven Wright
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
Steven Wright
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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
Steven Wright
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
Steven Wright
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
Steven Wright
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
Steven Wright
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
Steven Wright
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
Steven Wright
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Steven Wright