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I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Appears
Emotions
Emotion
Everyone

More quotes by Steven Wright

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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Steven Wright
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
Steven Wright
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
Steven Wright
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
Steven Wright
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Steven Wright
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
Steven Wright
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I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
Steven Wright
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
Steven Wright
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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
Steven Wright
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
Steven Wright
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
Steven Wright
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Steven Wright
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I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
Steven Wright
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
Steven Wright
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If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Steven Wright
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Steven Wright
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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
Steven Wright
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
Steven Wright
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
Steven Wright
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
Steven Wright