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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Thinking
Laughing
People
Saying
Getting
Hours
Solidly
Whole
Hour
Feel
Laugh
Feels
Paid
Think
Lucky

More quotes by Steven Wright

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When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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Is it possible to be totally partial?
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
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The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
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I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
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What do batteries run on?
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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
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