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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Feel
Laugh
Feels
Paid
Think
Lucky
Thinking
Laughing
People
Saying
Getting
Hours
Solidly
Whole
Hour
More quotes by Steven Wright
I had my coat hangers spayed.
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
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I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Steven Wright
I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
Steven Wright
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
Steven Wright
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
Steven Wright
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Steven Wright
I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
Steven Wright
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
Steven Wright
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Steven Wright
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
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Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
Steven Wright
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
Steven Wright