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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Okay
Find
Think
Thinking
Dressed
Gotta
Eight
Jokes

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
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Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
Steven Wright
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
Steven Wright
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It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
Steven Wright
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Do you have any toy train schedules?
Steven Wright
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
Steven Wright
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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Steven Wright
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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
Steven Wright
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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Steven Wright
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
Steven Wright
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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
Steven Wright
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
Steven Wright
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I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.
Steven Wright
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
Steven Wright
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
Steven Wright
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Steven Wright