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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Thinking
Dressed
Gotta
Eight
Jokes
Okay
Find
Think

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
Steven Wright
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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
Steven Wright
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
Steven Wright
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
Steven Wright
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
Steven Wright
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
Steven Wright
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
Steven Wright
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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
Steven Wright
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Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Steven Wright
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
Steven Wright
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
Steven Wright
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
Steven Wright
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
Steven Wright
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
Steven Wright
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
Steven Wright