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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Jokes
Okay
Find
Think
Thinking
Dressed
Gotta
Eight
More quotes by Steven Wright
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
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If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
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It's a fine night to have an evening.
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
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I washed mud off of mud.
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
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I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
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I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
Steven Wright
