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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Thinking
Dressed
Gotta
Eight
Jokes
Okay
Find
Think

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
Steven Wright
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Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
Steven Wright
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There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
Steven Wright
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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
Steven Wright
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
Steven Wright
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You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
Steven Wright
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
Steven Wright
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Day One: Still tired from the move.
Steven Wright
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
Steven Wright
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
Steven Wright
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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
Steven Wright
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
Steven Wright
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
Steven Wright
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If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
Steven Wright
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Steven Wright
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My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
Steven Wright
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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Steven Wright
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Steven Wright