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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Behind
Dangerous
Pond
Stand
Ponds
Running
Frozen
Love
Ice
Like
Breaking
Across
Behinds
More quotes by Steven Wright
I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
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People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
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The sky already fell. Now what?
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