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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Behinds
Behind
Dangerous
Pond
Stand
Ponds
Running
Frozen
Love
Ice
Like
Breaking
Across

More quotes by Steven Wright

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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
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The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
Steven Wright
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You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Steven Wright
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I can't stop thinking like this.
Steven Wright
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
Steven Wright
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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
Steven Wright
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
Steven Wright
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You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
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I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>
Steven Wright
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Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
Steven Wright
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I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
Steven Wright
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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
Steven Wright