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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Across
Behinds
Behind
Dangerous
Pond
Stand
Ponds
Running
Frozen
Love
Ice
Like
Breaking
More quotes by Steven Wright
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
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The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
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I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
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I had amnesia once or twice.
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
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I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
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I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
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