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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Behinds
Behind
Dangerous
Pond
Stand
Ponds
Running
Frozen
Love
Ice
Like
Breaking
Across
More quotes by Steven Wright
Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
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I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
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Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
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I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
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