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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Pet
Apartment
Somewhere
Comedy
Lost
Roommate
Elephant
Elephants
More quotes by Steven Wright
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
Steven Wright
The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
Steven Wright
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
Steven Wright
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
Steven Wright
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Steven Wright
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Steven Wright
I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
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I can't stop thinking like this.
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People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
Steven Wright
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Steven Wright
I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright