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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Lost
Roommate
Elephant
Elephants
Pet
Apartment
Somewhere
Comedy
More quotes by Steven Wright
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
Steven Wright
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Steven Wright
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
Steven Wright
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
Steven Wright
The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
Steven Wright
For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
Steven Wright
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
Steven Wright
Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
Steven Wright
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
Steven Wright
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Steven Wright
I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
Steven Wright
George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
Steven Wright
Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
Steven Wright
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
Steven Wright
Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
Steven Wright
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
Steven Wright
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
Steven Wright
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
Steven Wright
Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
Steven Wright
Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
Steven Wright
