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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Somewhere
Comedy
Lost
Roommate
Elephant
Elephants
Pet
Apartment
More quotes by Steven Wright
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
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I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
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I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
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If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
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The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
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I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>
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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
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I took a baby shower.
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
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