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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Elephants
Pet
Apartment
Somewhere
Comedy
Lost
Roommate
Elephant
More quotes by Steven Wright
I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
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I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
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I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
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I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
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