Share
×
Inspirational Quotes
Authors
Professions
Topics
Tags
Quote
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Steven Wright
Share
Change background
T
T
T
Change font
Original
TAGS & TOPICS
Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Apartment
Somewhere
Comedy
Lost
Roommate
Elephant
Elephants
Pet
More quotes by Steven Wright
I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
Steven Wright
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
Steven Wright
Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
Steven Wright
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
Steven Wright
I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
Steven Wright
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Steven Wright
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
Steven Wright
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Steven Wright
I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
Steven Wright
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
Steven Wright
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
Steven Wright
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Steven Wright
The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
Steven Wright
I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
Steven Wright
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Steven Wright
If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
Steven Wright
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
Steven Wright
While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
Steven Wright
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Steven Wright
