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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Expressive
Exaggeration
Stage
Part
Much
More quotes by Steven Wright
I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
Steven Wright
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
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Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
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I took a baby shower.
Steven Wright
When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
Steven Wright
I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
Steven Wright
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Steven Wright
At one point he decided enough was enough.
Steven Wright
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
Steven Wright
Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
Steven Wright
If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
Steven Wright
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
Steven Wright
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
Steven Wright
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
Steven Wright
I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.
Steven Wright
I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
Steven Wright
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Steven Wright
