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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Part
Much
Expressive
Exaggeration
Stage

More quotes by Steven Wright

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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
Steven Wright
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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
Steven Wright
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
Steven Wright
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
Steven Wright
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Steven Wright
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
Steven Wright
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
Steven Wright
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Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
Steven Wright
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Steven Wright
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
Steven Wright
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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Steven Wright
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
Steven Wright
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
Steven Wright
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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
Steven Wright
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
Steven Wright
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
Steven Wright
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
Steven Wright
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
Steven Wright
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Steven Wright
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I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
Steven Wright