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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Expressive
Exaggeration
Stage
Part
Much

More quotes by Steven Wright

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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
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I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
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I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
Steven Wright
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What do batteries run on?
Steven Wright
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
Steven Wright
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Steven Wright
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Steven Wright
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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
Steven Wright
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I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
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Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
Steven Wright
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
Steven Wright
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Steven Wright
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I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
Steven Wright
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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
Steven Wright
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
Steven Wright
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
Steven Wright