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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Speed
Reading
Bookmark
Bookmarks
Hospital
Hospitals
Accident
Accidents

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
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They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Steven Wright
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
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I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
Steven Wright
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
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It's a fine night to have an evening.
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Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
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The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
Steven Wright