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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Hospital
Hospitals
Accident
Accidents
Speed
Reading
Bookmark
Bookmarks
More quotes by Steven Wright
I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
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I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
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I took a baby shower.
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I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
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I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
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I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
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Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
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My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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