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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Reading
Bookmark
Bookmarks
Hospital
Hospitals
Accident
Accidents
Speed

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
Steven Wright
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
Steven Wright
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always remember your unique, just like everone else
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
Steven Wright
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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
Steven Wright
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The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
Steven Wright
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The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
Steven Wright
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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
Steven Wright
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Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
Steven Wright
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
Steven Wright
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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Steven Wright
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
Steven Wright
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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
Steven Wright
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I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
Steven Wright
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Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
Steven Wright
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You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Steven Wright
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I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
Steven Wright
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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
Steven Wright
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
Steven Wright