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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Reading
Bookmark
Bookmarks
Hospital
Hospitals
Accident
Accidents
Speed

More quotes by Steven Wright

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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
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I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
Steven Wright
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Steven Wright
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
Steven Wright
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright