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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Accidents
Speed
Reading
Bookmark
Bookmarks
Hospital
Hospitals
Accident
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
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I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
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I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
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I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
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I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
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If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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