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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Reading
Bookmark
Bookmarks
Hospital
Hospitals
Accident
Accidents
Speed

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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always remember your unique, just like everone else
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Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
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What a nice night for an evening.
Steven Wright