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If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Twins
Parts
Humor
Funny
Use
Ever

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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Do fish get cramps after eating?
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I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.
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Is 'tired old cliché' one?
Steven Wright
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
Steven Wright
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I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
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I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
Steven Wright
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
Steven Wright
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I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
Steven Wright
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You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
Steven Wright
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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Steven Wright