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If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Twins
Parts
Humor
Funny
Use
Ever
More quotes by Steven Wright
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
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Is 'tired old cliché' one?
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Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
Steven Wright
To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
Steven Wright
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
Steven Wright
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
Steven Wright
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
Steven Wright
Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
Steven Wright
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Steven Wright
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Steven Wright
So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
Steven Wright
Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
Steven Wright
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
Steven Wright