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If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Twins
Parts
Humor
Funny
Use
Ever

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
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If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
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Do fish get cramps after eating?
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Steven Wright
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If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
Steven Wright
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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
Steven Wright
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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
Steven Wright
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Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Steven Wright
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Day One: Still tired from the move.
Steven Wright
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
Steven Wright
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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
Steven Wright
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I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
Steven Wright
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
Steven Wright
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Steven Wright
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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
Steven Wright
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
Steven Wright
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
Steven Wright