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If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Use
Ever
Twins
Parts
Humor
Funny

More quotes by Steven Wright

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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
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I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
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The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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Do fish get cramps after eating?
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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
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Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
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I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
Steven Wright