Quote

If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.

Steven Wright

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Parts
Humor
Funny
Use
Ever
Twins

More quotes by Steven Wright

Image
I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
Steven Wright
Image
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
Steven Wright
Image
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Steven Wright
Image
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Steven Wright
Image
I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
Steven Wright
Image
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Steven Wright
Image
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
Steven Wright
Image
I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
Steven Wright
Image
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
Steven Wright
Image
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
Steven Wright
Image
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
Steven Wright
Image
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
Steven Wright
Image
I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
Steven Wright
Image
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Steven Wright
Image
I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
Steven Wright
Image
Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
Steven Wright
Image
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
Steven Wright
Image
I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
Steven Wright
Image
When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
Steven Wright
Image
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Steven Wright