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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Firsts
First
Skydiving
Definitely
Succeed
Funny

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
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I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
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Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
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I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
Steven Wright