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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Skydiving
Definitely
Succeed
Funny
Firsts
First

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You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
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Is it possible to be totally partial?
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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
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Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
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I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
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