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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
First
Skydiving
Definitely
Succeed
Funny
Firsts
More quotes by Steven Wright
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Steven Wright
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Steven Wright
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
Steven Wright
The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
Steven Wright
I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
Steven Wright
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Steven Wright
When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
Steven Wright
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
Steven Wright
What a nice night for an evening.
Steven Wright
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
Steven Wright
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
Steven Wright
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
Steven Wright
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
Steven Wright
I had my coat hangers spayed.
Steven Wright
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Steven Wright