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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Skydiving
Definitely
Succeed
Funny
Firsts
First

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
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I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
Steven Wright
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I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
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Day One: Still tired from the move.
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
Steven Wright
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
Steven Wright
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
Steven Wright
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
Steven Wright