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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Justice
Funny
Experience
Need
Needs
Something
Miscellaneous
Humor
More quotes by Steven Wright
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Steven Wright
When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
Steven Wright
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Steven Wright
I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
Steven Wright
Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
Steven Wright
Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
Steven Wright
You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
Steven Wright
I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
Steven Wright
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
Steven Wright
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Steven Wright
The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
Steven Wright
When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
Steven Wright
When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
Steven Wright
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
Steven Wright
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
Steven Wright
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
Steven Wright
They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
Steven Wright
To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
Steven Wright
I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
Steven Wright
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Steven Wright
