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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Justice
Funny
Experience
Need
Needs
Something
Miscellaneous
More quotes by Steven Wright
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright
I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
Steven Wright
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Steven Wright
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Steven Wright
When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
Steven Wright
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Steven Wright
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Steven Wright
I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
Steven Wright
I washed mud off of mud.
Steven Wright
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Steven Wright
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
Steven Wright
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
Steven Wright
I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
Steven Wright
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Steven Wright
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Steven Wright
When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
Steven Wright
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
Steven Wright
Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
Steven Wright
I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
Steven Wright
