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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Book
Island
Would
Islands
Desert
Boat
Build
Asked
Bring
Someone
Stranded
More quotes by Steven Wright
I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
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I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
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The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
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If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
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I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
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I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.
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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
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Day One: Still tired from the move.
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