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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Would
Islands
Desert
Boat
Build
Asked
Bring
Someone
Stranded
Book
Island
More quotes by Steven Wright
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
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I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
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I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
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I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
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Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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What a nice night for an evening.
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
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The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
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