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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Would
Islands
Desert
Boat
Build
Asked
Bring
Someone
Stranded
Book
Island

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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
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I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
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I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
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I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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I washed mud off of mud.
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
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One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
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Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
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