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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Everyone
Diaries
Born
Birthday
Right
Idiot
Thinking
Kept
Thinks
Tired
Move
Moving
Diary

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
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Do you have any toy train schedules?
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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I took a baby shower.
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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
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Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
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I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
Steven Wright