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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Moving
Diary
Everyone
Diaries
Born
Birthday
Right
Idiot
Thinking
Kept
Thinks
Tired
Move

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
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You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Steven Wright
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
Steven Wright
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I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
Steven Wright
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
Steven Wright
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You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
Steven Wright
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
Steven Wright
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
Steven Wright
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
Steven Wright
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
Steven Wright
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
Steven Wright