Quote

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

Steven Wright

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Tired
Move
Moving
Diary
Everyone
Diaries
Born
Birthday
Right
Idiot
Thinking
Kept
Thinks

More quotes by Steven Wright

Image
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
Steven Wright
Image
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
Steven Wright
Image
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Steven Wright
Image
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
Image
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Steven Wright
Image
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Steven Wright
Image
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Steven Wright
Image
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
Steven Wright
Image
When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
Steven Wright
Image
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
Steven Wright
Image
If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
Steven Wright
Image
In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
Steven Wright
Image
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
Steven Wright
Image
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Steven Wright
Image
Day One: Still tired from the move.
Steven Wright
Image
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Steven Wright
Image
Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
Steven Wright
Image
Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
Steven Wright
Image
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
Steven Wright
Image
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Steven Wright