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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Born
Birthday
Right
Idiot
Thinking
Kept
Thinks
Tired
Move
Moving
Diary
Everyone
Diaries
More quotes by Steven Wright
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
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I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
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Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
Steven Wright
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
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I had my coat hangers spayed.
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Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
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Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>
Steven Wright
