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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Thinks
Tired
Move
Moving
Diary
Everyone
Diaries
Born
Birthday
Right
Idiot
Thinking
Kept

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The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
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I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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Is 'tired old cliché' one?
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
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You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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What a nice night for an evening.
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
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