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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Thinking
Kept
Thinks
Tired
Move
Moving
Diary
Everyone
Diaries
Born
Birthday
Right
Idiot

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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
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You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
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What do batteries run on?
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
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