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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Everyone
Diaries
Born
Birthday
Right
Idiot
Thinking
Kept
Thinks
Tired
Move
Moving
Diary

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
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I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
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I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
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I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
Steven Wright