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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Museums
Heads
Arms
Comedy
Went
Museum
Statues

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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
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What a nice night for an evening.
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
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Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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I had amnesia once or twice.
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
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It's a fine night to have an evening.
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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
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