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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Museum
Statues
Museums
Heads
Arms
Comedy
Went

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People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
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At one point he decided enough was enough.
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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